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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/30082887">Sock Puppet Theatre</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/EpicNerd/pseuds/EpicNerd'>EpicNerd</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Romeo And Juliet - Shakespeare</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Abridged, Crack, Crack Fic, F/M, Please Don't Hate Me, Please don’t take this seriously, Screenplay/Script Format, Sock Puppets, educational?, sure lol</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 20:27:19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,682</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/30082887</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/EpicNerd/pseuds/EpicNerd</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>I took Romeo and Juliet, shortened it, made all the characters sock puppets, and added some modern language. Bon appetit.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Juliet Capulet/Romeo Montague</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Sock Puppet Theatre</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>SCENE 1</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>EXT. I DON’T KNOW; OUTSIDE SOMEWHERE</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(</span>
  <em>
    <span>NARRATOR enters stage</span>
  </em>
  <span>.)</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>NARRATOR</b>
</p><p>
  <span>To be or not to be? That is the...wrong play! This adaptation is for the Shakespearean masterpiece - Romeo and Juliet. Ahem! In the city of Verona, there lived two families - the Montagues and the Capulets. For a reason that is never stated, the two noble groups despised each other. That was, until two young people, one a Montague and one a Capulet, were brought together before being torn apart.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The star-crossed lovers end the feud when they both take their lives so that they may spend eternity together without the hatred of their own families. And this is romanticized...for some reason. But let’s go back to the beginning of their love story. A week prior, to be exact.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(</span>
  <em>
    <span>NARRATOR exits stage</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
  <em>
    <span>MONTAGUE and CAPULET enter stage.</span>
  </em>
  <span>)</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>CAPULET</b>
</p><p>
  <span>Montague.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>MONTAGUE</b>
</p><p>
  <span>Capulet.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>CAPULET</b>
</p><p>
  <span>Doth thou bite your thumb at me, good sir?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>MONTAGUE</b>
</p><p>
  <span>Neither of us have thumbs.</span>
</p><p> </p><p><span>(</span><em><span>CAPULET looks between MONTAGUE and the audience several times in quick succession before letting out a terrified scream.</span></em> <em><span>PRINCE</span></em> <em><span>enters stage.</span></em><span>)</span></p><p> </p><p>
  <b>PRINCE</b>
</p><p>
  <span>What is the meaning of all this? Who dares disturb the peace and quiet?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>CAPULET</b>
</p><p>
  <span>He did.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>MONTAGUE</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(</span>
  <em>
    <span>Gasp</span>
  </em>
  <span>) Snake!</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>CAPULET</b>
</p><p>
  <span>That insult is so 13th-century.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>MONTAGUE</b>
</p><p>
  <span>Boy!</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>CAPULET</b>
</p><p>
  <span>With a “y”...or an “i”?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>MONTAGUE</b>
</p><p>
  <span>A! Y!</span>
</p><p> </p><p><span>(</span><em><span>CAPULET roars a battle cry before tackling MONTAGUE off the stage before they both pop back up.</span></em> <em><span>PRINCE</span></em> <em><span>exits stage. ROMEO enters stage.</span></em><span>)</span></p><p> </p><p>
  <b>ROMEO</b>
</p><p>
  <span>Woe is me!</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(</span>
  <em>
    <span>CAPULET and MONTAGUE continue fighting, and ROMEO looks to them expectedly before sighing in frustration.</span>
  </em>
  <span>)</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>ROMEO</b>
</p><p>
  <span>I </span>
  <em>
    <span>said</span>
  </em>
  <span> “woe is me!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(</span>
  <em>
    <span>When CAPULET and MONTAGUE do not respond to ROMEO, he knocks them both off the stage. Alone, ROMEO speaks in a calmer manner.</span>
  </em>
  <span>)</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>ROMEO</b>
</p><p>
  <span>Is the day so long? I am out of Rosaline’s favor when I am in love. Without her, time comes to a standstill until she may return her heart.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(</span>
  <em>
    <span>JULIET enters stage</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
  <em>
    <span>ROMEO straightens up as his mouth hangs open.</span>
  </em>
  <span>)</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>ROMEO</b>
</p><p>
  <span>Forgive me, Father, for I am about to sin. (</span>
  <em>
    <span>ROMEO approaches JULIET.</span>
  </em>
  <span>) Fair maiden, you look stunning tonight. Might I indulge my lips in sin with yours?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>JULIET</b>
</p><p>
  <span>I can’t imagine why it may be a problem!</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(</span>
  <em>
    <span>ROMEO and JULIET share a quick kiss.</span>
  </em>
  <span>)</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>JULIET</b>
</p><p>
  <span>You have sock breath.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>ROMEO</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(</span>
  <em>
    <span>ROMEO turns to the audience.</span>
  </em>
  <span>) She’s really pretty!</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(</span>
  <em>
    <span>JULIET exits stage. NURSE enters stage.</span>
  </em>
  <span>)</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>ROMEO</b>
</p><p>
  <span>Who was that beautiful girl?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>NURSE</b>
</p><p>
  <span>How am I supposed to know? (</span>
  <em>
    <span>NURSE pauses.</span>
  </em>
  <span>) Just kidding! Why, that’s Juliet Capulet.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>ROMEO</b>
</p><p>
  <span>I have sinned! Do I risk our families’ feud so that I may see her again?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>NURSE</b>
</p><p>
  <span>I mean, I ship it, but does doth seekest to be taboo?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(</span>
  <em>
    <span>NURSE and ROMEO exit the stage.</span>
  </em>
  <span>)</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <b>SCENE 2</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>EXT. CAPULET HOME</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(</span>
  <em>
    <span>JULIET and ROMEO enter stage</span>
  </em>
  <span>)</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>ROMEO</b>
</p><p>
  <span>Oh, Juliet, you are as bright as the sun! You, the sun, have the power to kill the pale moon. And your eyes, they shine brighter than any star in the sky.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>JULIET</b>
</p><p>
  <span>O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou enemy whom I cannot despise?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>ROMEO</b>
</p><p>
  <span>I am here, Juliet!</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>JULIET</b>
</p><p>
  <span>Oh, wow, I didn’t notice you there, buddy. I thought I was alone with just me and my thoughts. Kinda rude for you to be eavesdropping like that.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>ROMEO</b>
</p><p>
  <span>Juliet, you were screaming out your window. It was kinda hard to not hear you. Anyways, wanna get married?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>JULIET</b>
</p><p>
  <span>That’s a little creepy that you’re just standing there in the darkness, too. And why would I marry someone I met a few hours ago?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>ROMEO</b>
</p><p>
  <span>Because I am so in love with you?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>JULIET</b>
</p><p>
  <span>Aight, that checks out; I’m quite the catch. I shall send my nurse to you tomorrow if your intentions truly are to marry me.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(</span>
  <em>
    <span>JULIET exits stage. FRIAR enters stage.</span>
  </em>
  <span>)</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>ROMEO</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(</span>
  <em>
    <span>Yawns</span>
  </em>
  <span>) Good morrow, Friar.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>FRIAR</b>
</p><p>
  <span>Romeo, you seem tired. Wast thou with a girl last night? Rosaline perhaps?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>ROMEO</b>
</p><p>
  <span>Who? No. I was with thy enemy whom I have seemed to fallen in love with.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>FRIAR</b>
</p><p>
  <span>You speak in riddles, my boy. If not Rosaline, who is the “she” you speak of?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>ROMEO</b>
</p><p>
  <span>Juliet Capulet has captured my heart and thus I plan to marry her today.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>FRIAR</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(</span>
  <em>
    <span>Gasps</span>
  </em>
  <span>) But we don’t even have hearts! How could she steal yours? And what happened to your love for Rosaline.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>ROMEO</b>
</p><p>
  <span>She would never love me in the same way that I love her. Juliet is different.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>FRIAR</b>
</p><p>
  <span>This marriage will surely resolve the hate between households. I shall assist in the ceremony.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>ROMEO</b>
</p><p>
  <span>Oh the joy! I shall inform Juliet immediately!</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(</span>
  <em>
    <span>ROMEO and FRIAR exit stage. LORD CAPULET enters stage.</span>
  </em>
  <span>)</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>LORD CAPULET</b>
</p><p>
  <span>My 13-year-old daughter shall be betrothed to the man of my choosing. I’m sure she’ll have no problem with this.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>JULET</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(</span>
  <em>
    <span>Off-stage</span>
  </em>
  <span>) Sounds </span>
  <em>
    <span>great</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Father! (</span>
  <em>
    <span>Quieter</span>
  </em>
  <span>) Really, I’d rather get lost in the dryer.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(</span>
  <em>
    <span>NARRATOR enters stage.</span>
  </em>
  <span>)</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>NARRATOR</b>
</p><p>
  <span>Foreshadowing!</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(</span>
  <em>
    <span>NARRATOR and LORD CAPULET exit stage. ROMEO and NURSE enter stage.</span>
  </em>
  <span>)</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>NURSE</b>
</p><p>
  <span>Sir, do you know where I can find a Romeo?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>ROMEO</b>
</p><p>
  <span>I am a Romeo. Surely you must be looking for me and me alone. Do you bring news from fair Juliet?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>NURSE</b>
</p><p>
  <span>Do you mean what you say? Is it true? She won’t be fooled by you if you are to marry her with ill purpose.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>ROMEO</b>
</p><p>
  <span>Nurse, please bring thy lady to me. And there at the cell of Friar Laurence shall we be wed. Please, what has my dear Juliet said?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>NURSE</b>
</p><p>
  <span>Her father has plans to marry her to Paris. Though she’d rather marry a stinky foot than Paris, for she has no interest in the arrangement.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>ROMEO</b>
</p><p>
  <span>Tell thy lady of my plans of marriage, Nurse.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>NURSE</b>
</p><p>
  <span>Ay!</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(</span>
  <em>
    <span>NURSE exits stage. JULIET and FRIAR enter stage.</span>
  </em>
  <span>)</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>FRIAR</b>
</p><p>
  <span>May the sock gods above bless this marriage.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>ROMEO</b>
</p><p>
  <span>Now will I finally be able to call Juliet mine.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>JULIET</b>
</p><p>
  <span>Our love has grown and it shall grow more when our love becomes official.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>FRIAR</b>
</p><p>
  <span>I now pronounce you husband sock and wife sock.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(</span>
  <em>
    <span>ROMEO, JULIET, and FRIAR exit stage.</span>
  </em>
  <span>)</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <b>SCENE 3</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>EXT. AGAIN, SOMEWHERE OUTSIDE</span>
</p><p> </p><p><span>(</span><em><span>ROMEO and TYBALT enter stage.</span></em> <em><span>ROMEO lightly taps TYBALT, who falls over and dies.</span></em><span>)</span></p><p> </p><p>
  <b>ROMEO</b>
</p><p>
  <span>Oh no, he dead. I had reason to love Tybalt, but the hate he showed my boyfriend - I mean, friend - has caused his demise. My sword may have also had a hand in this just as I have a hand in me, which I once again choose to not think about.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(</span>
  <em>
    <span>PRINCE enters stage.</span>
  </em>
  <span>)</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>PRINCE</b>
</p><p>
  <span>Tybalt! Romeo had slain the innocent. Death shall wait for you unless you leave Verona immediately.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>ROMEO</b>
</p><p>
  <span>Whoops. Gotta go anywhere but here.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(</span>
  <em>
    <span>PRINCE and ROMEO exit stage. LORD CAPULET enters stage.</span>
  </em>
  <span>)</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>LORD CAPULET</b>
</p><p>
  <span>My ungrateful daughter may be in love with Romeo, but she is to marry Paris immediately. Otherwise, my wealth will no longer be available to her ungrateful lack-of-hands.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(</span>
  <em>
    <span>JULIET enters stage</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
  <em>
    <span>JULIET opens her mouth to speak when she notices TYBALT. She aggressively shoves the sock off stage before returning her attention to her father.</span>
  </em>
  <span>)</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>JULIET</b>
</p><p>
  <span>Father, I’m an independent woman! I don’t need your money to be happy!</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>LORD CAPULET</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(</span>
  <em>
    <span>Quietly</span>
  </em>
  <span>) Daughter who’s going to marry Paris says “what?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>JULIET</b>
</p><p>
  <span>What?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>LORD CAPULET</b>
</p><p>
  <span>Ha! Yes!</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(</span>
  <em>
    <span>JULIET and LORD CAPULET exit stage.</span>
  </em>
  <span>)</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <b>SCENE 4</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>INT. FRIAR’S CELL</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(</span>
  <em>
    <span>FRIAR and JULIET enter stage</span>
  </em>
  <span>.)</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>JULIET</b>
</p><p>
  <span>Friar, have you heard the news? Romeo has been banished! I’d rather kill myself now than be separated from my own true love.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>NARRATOR</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(</span>
  <em>
    <span>Off-stage</span>
  </em>
  <span>) Foreshadowing!</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>FRIAR</b>
</p><p>
  <span>Or you can fake your death instead of truly being dead, like how CEOs pretend to care about their workers. Romeo will wait for you in your family tomb, and the two of you can be together at last.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>JULIET</b>
</p><p>
  <span>I can be “dead” before I am to be wedded to Paris, and then finally can I be reunited with my dear Romeo.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>FRIAR</b>
</p><p>
  <span>That’s what I just said. You know what? I’ll just go make that potion for you.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(</span>
  <em>
    <span>JULIET exits stage</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
  <em>
    <span>FRIAR heaves a giant cauldron onto the stage.</span>
  </em>
  <span>)</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>FRIAR</b>
</p><p>
  <span>One, two, buckle my shoe! How many lizard hearts should I put in my stew?</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <b>SCENE FIVE</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>INT. CAPULET FAMILY TOMB</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(</span>
  <em>
    <span>JULIET lays on the stage, asleep.</span>
  </em>
  <span>)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(</span>
  <em>
    <span>ROMEO enters stage.</span>
  </em>
  <span>)</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>ROMEO</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(</span>
  <em>
    <span>Approaches and cradles JULIET</span>
  </em>
  <span>) My Juliet! What have they done to you? They have laid you in this tomb when your time in this world had just begun.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(</span>
  <em>
    <span>PARIS enters stage.</span>
  </em>
  <span>)</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>PARIS</b>
</p><p>
  <span>Ah, sick, he’s gonna kiss her corpse. Romeo! Why have you come here? Are you to harm the dead once more? They have already suffered enough from your actions!</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>ROMEO</b>
</p><p>
  <span>Believe me, Paris, I cause no harm. Please, let us grieve for Juliet without another fight. No more blood needs to be shed tonight.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>PARIS</b>
</p><p>
  <span>I’m a dude sock, so I was never taught how to deal with feelings! Liar!</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>ROMEO</b>
</p><p>
  <span>If anything, I have come to harm myself rather than others.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>PARIS</b>
</p><p>
  <span>Harm yourself, what a funny excuse. Leave now, or I shall mark the end for you.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>ROMEO</b>
</p><p>
  <span>Bet.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(</span>
  <em>
    <span>ROMEO and PARIS fight before PARIS falls dead.</span>
  </em>
  <span>)</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>ROMEO</b>
</p><p>
  <span>I’ve got to stop killing people. My sweet Juliet, I shall soon join you in the afterlife. Thy drugs are quick! Thus with a final kiss shall I die.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(</span>
  <em>
    <span>ROMEO kisses JULIET before falling over, dead. JULIET awakens.</span>
  </em>
  <span>)</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>JULIET</b>
</p><p>
  <span>Romeo? Oh, Romeo! He’s dead! He’s really dead! I have evaded death for so long yet now I think it’s my time. Goodbye cruel world!</span>
</p><p> </p><p><span>(</span><em><span>JULIET dies, as well, draped over ROMEO.</span></em> <em><span>FRIAR enters stage.</span></em><span>)</span></p><p> </p><p>
  <b>FRIAR</b>
</p><p>
  <span>Romeo? Juliet? I am to blame for this unfortunate incident. For if I had been quicker, the two lovers may have had a happy ending. Everyone has suffered from this hatred of the two households. Except for me. I better get out of here before I die, too!</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(</span>
  <em>
    <span>FRIAR exits stage. NARRATOR enters stage.</span>
  </em>
  <span>)</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>NARRATOR</b>
</p><p>
  <span>And thus the feud ended with the deaths of the star-crossed lovers. Whether Shakespeare intended this to be a happy ending may well be forever up to debate by literary critics and online trolls with too much time on their hands. Goodnight, everybody.</span>
</p>
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